Posts Tagged ‘hard’

Choose gratitude and joy.

Even in the hard moments.

Especially in the hard moments.

Breathe.

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Hello resistance my old friend.

I’m going on retreat this afternoon. I’m going to the beautiful Cryndir retreat centre in mid Wales, for 3 loooong and full days of Constellations.

I am looking forward to it, because – this is with my work hat on (ish):

1/ Constellations is something that I have been working with for a while, and it is POWERFUL and transformational.

2/ Constellations (or aspects of) is something I am already using a bit, and that I will be including in my work more.

3/ Constellations can be applied to problem-solving and creativity, which fits right in with the stuff I’m developing this year.

4/Petr is an inspirational teacher, a beautiful soul, completely grounded in his intuition, and he makes powerful use of silence and of space and energy.

And also I’m looking forward to it because – this is without my work hat on (ish):

1/ I am once again going to be thrown together with a bunch of people, a few who I already know, many who I don’t.

2/ We are all, in turn, going to put ourselves through the mill as we process and solve our own stuff. Over and over.

3/ We are all, collectively, going to hold the space for whoever is in their process at any moment in time.

4/ They are going to be looong days (9am to midnight) and there will be much to take in – and let go of. Much.

I must also add that I’m dreading it, because:

1/ I am once again going to be thrown together with a bunch of people, a few who I already know, many who I don’t.

2/ We are all, in turn, going to put ourselves through the mill as we process and solve our own stuff. Over and over.

3/ We are all, collectively, going to hold the space for whoever is in their process at any moment in time.

4/ They are going to be looong days (9am to midnight) and there will be much to take in – and let go of. Much.

Yes that’s right – that is not a copy/paste mistake.

The reasons I am going are also the reasons I am feeling weird today. (Emily calls it “feeling funky”. I just accidentally typed “feeling gunky” – that, too.) Actually, that’s also probably why I have been feeling weird for the past MONTH (but just vaguely), and especially the past week (very strongly!) – combined with other stuff that came up for me, which is probably all linked together to this impending retreat and my soul/spirit/energy/life force preparing for transformation.

I’ve talked about it before. When you are preparing for change and transformation, your “stuff” starts bubbling to the surface way before you go on the retreat / have the healing session / start whatever it is you’re going to be doing. It’s all part of the process. It’s interesting and endlessly fascinating. It’s annoying too, because I have been cranky and impossible to be around for the past week. I can’t wait to get through this and be “normal” again. (I say “normal”, you know what I mean…)

My resistance is coming up in a big way.

It’s a sign that the change that is about to happen, is big too.

I want to be around people and feel supported. I want to be alone because no-one understands.
I want to be happy and relaxed. I’m tense and quiet, and have condensed into a little ball of mostly fear – I think. Maybe some grim determination in there as well.
I want to go already and at least get started and get it done. I don’t want to go. But I want to go. But I don’t.
I want to cry and I want to punch things.
I want to step into the process consciously and deliberately and be awake to every moment. I want to shut down already and not deal with the pain that will inevitably come up – that is already coming up.
I want to accept my processes for what they are – transient, fleeting processes. I am not my thoughts. I am having thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am experiencing feelings. Observe, let go. Observe, notice, let go. Breathe. The more I observe them, the bigger and badder they get.

I am scared.

I’m always scared going on healing retreats.
Hello resistance, my old friend. Let’s do this, shall we?

See you on the other side.

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