Well, mine isn’t, actually.

But here’s the story. Wednesday at ThinkARK I got talking to a fellow self-employed and we came to describe how our long-suffering partners/boy- or girl-friends/spouses have to put up with us being, effectively, in a relationship with them and concurrently in another, intense, relationship with our work/business.

We check our emails all the time, we work late, we work weekends, we forget the distinction between work and play, we are constantly dedicating a part of our brain to our work, and whenever in a non-work context we see something that could be relevant, we go into work mode straight away to file it for future reference, we also talk about our work a lot, etceteblah. I could go on.

If you’re self-employed, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

If your partner is self-employed, you also know exactly what I’m talking about. And you are probably rolling your eyes soooo hard right now.

‘Cos you recognise yourself as a “self-employed widow”.

Ghastly expression, sorry. I mean, like the surfer widows and football widows, who regularly lose their partners to their biggest hobby. Except for surfers, it’s mainly weekends through the summer. For football fans, it’s whenever whatever cup’s on for a few weeks. For you, it’s 24/7, for years – and possibly for ever (but let’s not think about that because the idea fills even me with dread – and I’m one of the self-employed, dammit.)

Plus, if your partner became self-employed *after* you started going out, this is not what you signed up for. Nobody even told you what it would entail. And much as you support them and want them to be happy doing what they love… It’s all work work work work work.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU?!

So yeah, my thinking went like this:

// You could do with having a good ol’whinge about it to other people who are in the same situation, understand and empathise.
// You could do with finding the ways that work for you and your situation, rather than being given a standard formula.
// You could do with working out exactly why it gets your goat so much, even though your head is doing its best to rationalise it.
// You could do with tips to put your newly-understood needs across in a constructive way, so that you and your partner can find the common ground where the needs of both are met, the business is successful, your relationship is fulfilling, and your lives are smooth(er).

I have the techniques, the facilitation skills, and the space to do it in. I’ll give no opinions, advice or solutions (that’s not my role + I would be biased anyway). I will share the tools that would be useful to you. I will hold the space for you to be heard, and for you to work through the situation, with support.

And we’ll call it… My Partner Is Self-Employed. Or, even (because I won’t let it be said that I can’t shoehorn an acronym into a good word), how about:

Eep! My Partner (and terrible half) Is Self-Employed (EMPathISE)

Huh, howzabout that? Shall we do it?

If you’re self-employed, forward this to your partner please.
If your partner’s self-employed and this sounds like it’s right up your cup of tea, drop me a line.

We’ll take it from there.

Last night, in Central Bar in Cardiff, an Evening of Interesting Discussion took place. Here is an assorted collection of the thoughts and comments that came up during the evening, for purposes of perusing and pondering.

// Entirely coincidentally (since the theme for this evening was decided *months* ago and this evening was actually cancelled and rescheduled), on 27th, 28th, 29th January (i.e. this weekend just gone) the Death Festival took place in London at the Southbank Centre. Here’s a write up I found on tinterwebs.

// We tend to take people for granted when they’re around, because, well, they’re around. So we forget to notice. We miss them when they’ve died (this is about *us* missing them).

// When someone has died, there is an opportunity to celebrate their life.

// Legacy: at the moment of dying, we may look back – with satisfaction? regrets? This raises the question right now while there is still time to do something about it: what are you doing with your life? What is your legacy (going to be)?

// I would like to encounter death with awareness, and be present to the experience (that final experience of consciousness). But – it may very well turn out that I am filled with fear when the moment comes. Where does this fear come from? Is it ego-led: we fear the death of our identity, the loss of self. What else is there to be afraid of? Also the media and our culture is filled with messages of fear, so fear is a common, default response.

// Fear of dying (by accident) vs fear of loss of capability and mobility.

// Do you have a Bucket List (or life list) – and how about its opposite: the Non-Bucket List (things you really don’t want to experience)? You could argue that these may be thrust upon you (circumstances and lack of choice) – and they may also be the opportunity for your greatest personal growth.

// How much choice and control do you have over your life? How about over your death?

// What’s a healthy emotional response to death? Is there one? Is it dictated entirely by cultural and social norms?

// Compare your emotional response to someone’s death, with your response to, for e.g., having a pet put down (greater response?). Is it about killing/inflicting death/holding the choice vs. having no responsibility for it? So how about euthanasia (emotional response to, not moral arguments for or against)? How about war?… (Yes big, open questions.)

// Uncomfortable conversations: dealing with someone else’s negative emotions, particularly grief and pain. *Are* they uncomfortable? Why? Do you tend to be dispassionate/empirical, or subjective and emotionally involved?

// People can be totally distraught and bereft while they are mourning. Other people handle it very differently and “get on with it”. What is mourning about? What happens, what is the process?

// When other people are in grief, without words, in their raw pain and emotion, I am able to be present to it. But when people are “in their heads” and processing with words, it often seems to me inane, trite or self-pitying, and I struggle to relate. Hypothesis: people are rationalising in their heads because that’s what they know how to do, and because the raw emotion is too big to deal with and vocalise (we are not taught or equipped with the tools to do this). When this occurs I notice my discomfort with the disconnect in communication levels (heart vs head).

//The Autonomic Nervous System keeps you breathing and your heart beating etc. It’s life. It’s a force of nature. But sometimes people … control? it and override? it – you hear of dying people clinging on until their grandchild has travelled halfway round the world to see them in hospital, and then they allow themselves to die.

// The aging process is part of the renewal process of the cells: the more you create new cells, the close you come to your natural death. (Drink water! Have antioxydants! :-p)

// Studies on astronauts in gyroscopes (interrupting the blood supply to the brain) – when the brain perceives its imminent death (deprived of blood supply/oxygen) it releases massive doses of endorphins (natural high), hence reducing (eliminating) the fear and trauma at the time of death. Astronauts also reported seeing the tunnel and bright white light that people see in near-death experiences. That spiritual process and movement of consciousness to another plane… may just be nothing more than the by-product of the process of the brain shutting itself down. Or, it could all be linked (different manifestations of the same process).

// Is consciousness an energy, or a physical/physiological/chemical reaction?

// Does an understanding of the biological processes involved, and a more empirical, dispassionate approach, make you less scared of death (in principle – we’re not talking right at the moment of your own death). If it’s all a big mystery, does that make you more scared? (Proposed study: measure fear of death in group of biologists vs group of… someone else with no biology knowledge!). Hypothesis: ignorance breeds fear.

// Life is finite. Everybody knows it. So why, what is the point of hate and man turning against man for arbitrary reasons? Hypothesis: Hate derives from fear. Fear is a survival mechanism. Why do we choose fear? Because we forget/we don’t realise that we have choice.

// We enjoy privileged lives, and yet fear still exists (physiologically – fight or flight response); it’s now focused on abstract concepts, because fear is not a survival mechanism any more. It will always exist because it is part of our biology/evolution. So what to do about this? Recognise it. Acknowledge that it exists. Education/knowledge about why and how to deal with it.

// “You are going to feel fear at some point in your life, so you might as well know that, and be prepared for it.” Fear is normal. That’s important to say. (Hearing that helped me loads!) Practicing something new and/or scary enables you to get used to experiencing the fear, until you’re scared but you do it anyway (it’s not about becoming fearless). BUT, with death, you only get one go at it, so you don’t get a chance to practice and get used to the fear!

// WWII soldiers who considered themselves already dead (acceptance of the inevitable) were able to function the most effectively. However, those who actually survived the war found it very difficult to operate afterwards.

// We are dead men walking, living on borrowed time…

And I leave you on this thought: ”Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

Any comments, thoughts, or anything else sparked by this, drop me an email. I will add updates to this post.
The next Evening of Intelligent Discussion will be in about 2 months’ time, and the next topic is… (drumroll): racism. Oh yes we are going there. The date will be announced via the usual channels: blog, newsletter, social media. Stay tuned.

Update:

The top 5 regrets of the dying are:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Thanks @MissClevaness and @JorgeLizalde for the link.

Another write up about the London Death Festival (#deathfest), mentioned by @MindfulMaps.

Just a quick note to say that I am going to start teaching Shiva Nata in Cardiff – it’s an idea that’s been trotting around the back of my head for ages, and now the time is right and it’s come to the fore!

So now there’s a Shiva Nata page on my website.

Are you going to come and flail your arms about with me?

This is one thought out of many that happened during the retreat:

“When I’m doing the work that is right for me, I am here. Present. Centred, in flow, in joy. That’s how I know it’s the work that is right for me.”

I am back. It’s been intense, hard, joyful, and uplifting. Many lightbulb moments have occurred and I will be sharing them as the time becomes right to share them. Usually I come back from retreat and it takes me days, if not months (and sometimes even years) to integrate the shifts that have happened. But this time, I felt (surprisingly, delightfully, peacefully) integrated by the end of the retreat, and I came home ready to step into … being.

A new way of being, and yet once again more myself than I have ever been before, so a way of being that is familiar, and right.

I am sitting with the clear joy that comes from that.

I’m going on retreat this afternoon. I’m going to the beautiful Cryndir retreat centre in mid Wales, for 3 loooong and full days of Constellations.

I am looking forward to it, because – this is with my work hat on (ish):

1/ Constellations is something that I have been working with for a while, and it is POWERFUL and transformational.

2/ Constellations (or aspects of) is something I am already using a bit, and that I will be including in my work more.

3/ Constellations can be applied to problem-solving and creativity, which fits right in with the stuff I’m developing this year.

4/Petr is an inspirational teacher, a beautiful soul, completely grounded in his intuition, and he makes powerful use of silence and of space and energy.

And also I’m looking forward to it because – this is without my work hat on (ish):

1/ I am once again going to be thrown together with a bunch of people, a few who I already know, many who I don’t.

2/ We are all, in turn, going to put ourselves through the mill as we process and solve our own stuff. Over and over.

3/ We are all, collectively, going to hold the space for whoever is in their process at any moment in time.

4/ They are going to be looong days (9am to midnight) and there will be much to take in – and let go of. Much.

I must also add that I’m dreading it, because:

1/ I am once again going to be thrown together with a bunch of people, a few who I already know, many who I don’t.

2/ We are all, in turn, going to put ourselves through the mill as we process and solve our own stuff. Over and over.

3/ We are all, collectively, going to hold the space for whoever is in their process at any moment in time.

4/ They are going to be looong days (9am to midnight) and there will be much to take in – and let go of. Much.

Yes that’s right – that is not a copy/paste mistake.

The reasons I am going are also the reasons I am feeling weird today. (Emily calls it “feeling funky”. I just accidentally typed “feeling gunky” – that, too.) Actually, that’s also probably why I have been feeling weird for the past MONTH (but just vaguely), and especially the past week (very strongly!) – combined with other stuff that came up for me, which is probably all linked together to this impending retreat and my soul/spirit/energy/life force preparing for transformation.

I’ve talked about it before. When you are preparing for change and transformation, your “stuff” starts bubbling to the surface way before you go on the retreat / have the healing session / start whatever it is you’re going to be doing. It’s all part of the process. It’s interesting and endlessly fascinating. It’s annoying too, because I have been cranky and impossible to be around for the past week. I can’t wait to get through this and be “normal” again. (I say “normal”, you know what I mean…)

My resistance is coming up in a big way.

It’s a sign that the change that is about to happen, is big too.

I want to be around people and feel supported. I want to be alone because no-one understands.
I want to be happy and relaxed. I’m tense and quiet, and have condensed into a little ball of mostly fear – I think. Maybe some grim determination in there as well.
I want to go already and at least get started and get it done. I don’t want to go. But I want to go. But I don’t.
I want to cry and I want to punch things.
I want to step into the process consciously and deliberately and be awake to every moment. I want to shut down already and not deal with the pain that will inevitably come up – that is already coming up.
I want to accept my processes for what they are – transient, fleeting processes. I am not my thoughts. I am having thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am experiencing feelings. Observe, let go. Observe, notice, let go. Breathe. The more I observe them, the bigger and badder they get.

I am scared.

I’m always scared going on healing retreats.
Hello resistance, my old friend. Let’s do this, shall we?

See you on the other side.

At the end of December I went for drinks with an eclectic and interesting group of people, and we had brilliant conversations – down the pub. It was nice that people felt very free to come and go as they pleased, and arrive and leave whenever they wanted to. So, I’m trialling “the pub” as the next venue for an evening of intelligent discussion, and we’ll see how that works out.

This is the session from 13th December, that was cancelled due to the impending Cold of Doom, rescheduled.

Topic: Death.

When: Tuesday 31st January 2012, from 7pm till whenever the last person leaves OR the pub shuts (at midnight, I believe).

What?

I’m extending an invitation to whoever is interested, to come and have conversations about topics we don’t usually have the opportunity to discuss. I am running this as a bi-monthly occurrence. (The first one, in September, was about money.) The theme and topic of exploration this time is: DEATH. Just turn up with an open mind and willingness to share – and hear – opinions and points of view, and explore the topic to your heart’s content.

Location: Central Bar, 39 Windsor Place. Details here if you don’t know it. I will aim to secure a corner area – probably upstairs – when I arrive, but for finding-one-another-purposes save my number to your phone (07877 038 084).

The “rules” (which are really more of a “this is how we tend to do things around here”):

You are free to come and go. You are responsible for the use you make of your time, and for the quality of your interactions with the other participants. You can stay 5 minutes, or 5 hours. It’s up to you, and what conversations you get into, and how much you enjoy them. The people who are in the space are the right people; you will find what you seek.

One last thing: We will collate the main thoughts, outcomes, revelations, ideas, etc. to share with one another and with people who couldn’t take part. They will be published on this blog. I will bring notesheets and spare pens.

Cost: Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. It’s free. (Buy your own drink, though.)

See you there? Pass it on. x

I’ve got a Kindle, people! A Kindle! My library in a little box! Woohoo!

Also, I was listening to the audiobook of the Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy the other day.

“It is said that despite its many glaring (and occasionally fatal) inaccuracies, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy itself has outsold the Encyclopedia Galactica because it is slightly cheaper, and because it has the words “DON’T PANIC” in large, friendly letters on the cover.” ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

And it’s an electronic kind of book… so… it would make sense that my electronic kind of book should have the words “DON’T PANIC” in large friendly letters too, no? Or is that just too geeky…? No, don’t answer that. Anyhoo. My sticker is on its way, I found out today. This will feature on the back of my Kindle as soon as it arrives:

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Incidentally, Arthur C. Clarke said Douglas Adams’ use of “Don’t panic” was perhaps the best advice that could be given to humanity, apparently. Hmmmm. (Strokes chin.)

Recently I was asked to answer the following question: What do I do that enables me to create so much? 

My first reaction was derision.

Create much? Me? Mwahahaha.

And then I counted off for 2011: The Paradox Experience intensive 15-week programme (including the website and the shhhh-don’t-mention-it-out-loud-it-was-SO-hard 2 minute video that took 2 days); 12 newsletters; 44 blog posts; 2 website overhauls and revamps; and the Moon Diary – which this year for the 1st time, I published as well as co-wrote.

Okay, so, right. Ahem.

Well, I do many things. And I made a little list of them. (Lists is one of the things I do, incidentally, you know?) And I thought I’d blog about them because it’s a good question and one that deserves to be shared. Obviously, we all operate differently and I’m not saying my list of things is THE list of things, but I offer it up in case you find something of use in it.

And also, I will post it in chunks, because otherwise it will be very long to read, and just too much generally. (Imagine me doing that hand thing and saying “just too much”.)

So today, thing number one:

WHEN I CAN’T BE ASKED.

(When I first came to the UK that is how I thought “can’t be arsed” was spelled, and I kinda like my polite version of it.)

You might think this is the polar opposite of creating. Actually, it’s a useful signpost! When I can’t be asked to work on whatever project I have on the go, it’s a sign that:

1/ It’s not the right project for me!

It doesn’t fill me with glee, it makes my heart sink, it’s a little bit literally-dreadful (by which I mean the mere prospect of it fills me with dread).

Symptoms: I huff and puff. I roll my eyes. I drag my feet. I moan about it to people. When I talk about it, I frown and look sad. Like, when I agreed to work on a project for all the wrong reasons, and then everyone got despondent about it anyway because the energy wasn’t right, and eventually the project was dropped.

Alternatively… I panic! It’s scary! I want someone to do this for me so I don’t have to do it! I’ll pay them with cake! Whatever! Like, when one business mentor advised me to go and do my market research by standing outside John Lewis on a Saturday with a clipboard. I still go EEEEEEEE!!!! at the mere suggestion. (I actually tried. I went. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I went home.)

Solution: It really isn’t aligned with who I am. Time to do things differently, in a way that’s right for me. If I’ve committed to a project involving other people, time for me to ‘fess up that it’s no longer right for me, collaboratively set up a strategy for my exit, and bow out gracefully. I don’t want to be working on things that make me moan-y. I want to work on things that make me happy. It’s better for all involved.

2/ It’s not the right time!

Sometimes I can’t be asked and yet I don’t huff and puff and I don’t panic and I know in my bones that the project is right for me. And still… I sit on it.

Symptoms: I go quiet. My brain goes quiet. There are no ideas there. Nothing to work on and get my teeth into. Tumbleweed.

Solution: It’s the right project but not the right time yet. Maybe I need to gather more information. But more likely, the processing of all the data already gathered, the percolating that goes on behind the scenes in my subconscious, is not complete. The coffee maker hasn’t beeped yet. (I don’t drink coffee. Do coffee makers bleep?)

So what do I do now? I keep myself occupied doing routine stuff. My brain is doing its thing in its own time. I churn along, in my own little quiet way. If this doesn’t fill a day, I sit in bed and read graphic novels from the library. That achieves the double aim of pleasantly passing the time and feeding my brain a completely different set of input. (I will talk about combinatorial creativity in another post.) Eventually, the coffee machine will go ping. (Assuming coffee machines do.)

3/ I haven’t got the energy.

Over the years I have learned to tune in to my body’s needs and practice gentle self-care, but occasionally things jump in and I find myself overcommitted and I want to honour those commitments and I end up tired.  That’s no biggie. It’s part of life.

It’s only frustrating when there’s something I’m aching to be working on, it’s the right project, it’s the right time, all the ideas have come together and I know what I’m doing now, I just need to DO IT.

Symptoms: I’m chomping at the bit. And I haven’t got it in me. Flat. Depleted. Nyet.

Solution: If I push through my tiredness and force the issue, I (now) know that I will end up even worse than before, and that I won’t concentrate properly on that awesome project that I am so excited about and I won’t do it justice. Plus it will take longer as I struggle through. And that would be a waste of both time and energy, for a mediocre result. So best to rest up now, and breeze through it with joy when I’m rested. It will make me much happier that way.

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So there we are.

Incidentally, this blog post is topical. I wanted to blog the first part of the series today, and I looked at several topics to start off with, and for every one of them I JUST COULDN’T BE ASKED. So I blogged about that. My energy levels are low because I’ve been reworking the website today, and my brain has given all the juices it had to give.

If you would like to take a look at the updated website, please, be my guest. Your comments will be gladly received.

And now I’m going to go put my feet up and read some Terry Pratchett.

“16. I am perpetually torn about being nocturnal and wanting to convert into a morning person. I’m thinking of getting up at 4am. It’d be both super late, and super early.” ~ Danielle La Porte.

(Not, like, right now. More as a general thing.)

Let me explain. There’s several bits to this.

“Silent Retreat” is a phrase used by Havi and the community at The Fluent Self for when a question comes up you don’t want to answer, or when you “have to” speak but don’t wish to. Calling Silent Retreat is a way to gracefully meet your needs for privacy/non-disclosure/more pondering/not prodding/etc… – a way to invoke the Cone of Silence, until you are well and ready. It’s quite specific. (Read the full details here for jazz hands and style!)

Yesterday however, I called Silent Retreat for a whole day. Not for anything in particular, or actually, just for everything in general.

Deep joy. Quiet. Soul smile.

Time and space to think.

“I turn to eccentric and often extreme measures to try to keep my sanity and ensure that I have time to do nothing at all (which is the only time when I can see what I should be doing the rest of the time).” ~ Pico Iyer

Hear, hear!

Apparently (and according to the article that quote is from), after spending time in quiet rural settings people “exhibit greater attentiveness, stronger memory and generally improved cognition. Their brains become both calmer and sharper.” Also, empathy and deep thought depend on neural processes that are “inherently slow.”

I can believe that.

Yesterday I didn’t even go offline for the day, I just refrained from speech. More accurately, I refrained mostly from *incoming* speech. No TV, film, radio, and I even politely turned down phone calls, and chose to communicate via the medium of instant messaging. No-one talking at me. (Typing is ok.) Calm, focus, productivity. I cut swathes through my to-do list.

Swathes!

So I am calling Silent Retreat for one day every week. It will vary depending on what my diary is looking like, but I will have one day in which I retreat and give myself a chance to see what I should be doing the rest of the time!

It’s not the same Silent Retreat as Havi’s, exactly. But those words are just right.

Silent. Retreat.

I will be online, and I will be working, but at a speed that allows my brain to both slow down and speed up. One that I can only find when I disengage the gears from everybody else’s.

And so it is.

(In terms of digital sabbatical, that’s a topic for a different post. For now I will just say that I approve, and I will tell you more another time.)